Pooper scooper… the real scoop on poop !

So what’s the scoop? This article is not for the squeamish as it’s really about being a expert Pooper Scooper as a second career in life when you own one or more dogs. Little did I realize back in the fall of October 2006 that I would once again be getting much more poop to deal with, but this time it wasn’t coming from my kids, family, friends or work. NOPE, my own dogs would give more poop than carter had pills.

Now those who own dogs realize how easily when amongst others the conversation can turn to poop without a moment’s notice. We discuss the perfect poop almost wanting to frame a picture of it—jokingly with a hint of seriousness that does confuse non-dog possessing people.

So what does it take to be the Grand Poohbah of pooping scooping? Not much besides a sense of humor, strong stomach, gloved hands, STRONG plastic bags doubled up, old shoes or boots, and beyond that a sense of responsibility to keeping your yard from looking like a land mine practice field.

Now from the past 2.5 years of experience I have had my fair share of poop, feeling quite confident that I am no longer an apprentice pooper scooper. In fact I will proudly state that I am officially almost an expert as of present day and will proceed to share my expertise in what poop should look like, when the best time of year, day and season is to being a great speedy and efficient pooper scooper. Note: after reading this article you may end up wanting to be the official POOPER SCOOPER of your canine household along with having a “Grand Ole Time” perfecting your skills while laughing out loud outside. Your neighbors will perhaps think you’ve lost it but we know the truth, so don’t worry about a thing.

When is the best time of year? Why it’s late winter of course. Sorry for you that live in warmer climates where there is no snowfall however the types of poops, how to get it up without getting it on you just may be amusing and of use to you as well. So while I try not to exclude anyone, take what you want and discard the rest. Please don’t give me any poop as I do get enough on a daily basis. Now back to the best time of year.

Late winter is great as you have temporary thaws and/or days where the sun will shine and slightly defrost the “poopsicles” that decorate your yard. NOW for some of us, pooper scooping is done 1 to 2 times a month during winter as snow cover and ice can make it difficult to perform and perfect your job of being a dutiful pooper scooper which brings me to the best time of day: late morning on a sunny day if possible. Oh wait, Sunday mornings are also optimal as you will most likely be in a relaxed happy mood further aiding your motivation.

Remember though that if it’s sunny and around 10:30am to 11:00 am the poop on the north side will be more frozen than the east and south side. The west side poopsicles may be the same consistency of the north side. I know you all appreciate this helpful hint. NOW preparing for your job:

1. Mind prep: you are getting fresh air, vitamin D from the sun, EXERCISE and I guarantee if you follow my advice you will end up having a good laugh even if you have a bad back.
2. What to wear: steel tipped or hard toed shoes or boots, old leather gloves with cashmere or thinsulate lining. For those that can handle cold temps go right ahead and wear those rubber gloves. Next, ski pants or thermal underwear as you will be out there for at least on hour or more. Please wear a hat as you do lost most of your warmth via your head and forget the cup of coffee, have that BEFORE you go out so you’re wide awake and don’t stumble into a pile of softened poop on the south side. I will assume you will put on an old warm winter coat and leave your camera INSIDE the house. Why? Because we need a good imagination for this type of work and your hands to be free to perform a wonderful gratifying and fun job in life when you have dogs.
3. Last but not least: Do this alone as others will only distract you thereby making you miss a poopsicle or two and/or disrupting a peaceful time spent alone enjoying the serenity of the day and further aiding your concentration to the task at hand.
4. All those little plastic bags you bring your groceries home in ? These are great to use and you can double bag them before going out and then put them into one large kitchen garbage bag. Once outside tie the large bag holding he smaller double bagged plastic bags to a railing, or onto something they won’t blow off of and cause you to run down the street across neighbors’ yards looking like a complete fool giving them something to further aid their notion that you’re a nut.
5. Shame shame on you IF you’re one of those that have a pooper scooper service you PAY to do this job.

Okay by now you should have the right frame of mind and be quite prepared. Let’s proceed outside where the real fun begins!!!

Which sides (aka sunny exposure) of the yard does one begin a pooper scooper task? The EAST of course but you must remember that you have to work fast and also decide which poopicles aren’t worth the effort and move forward. While I could be charging for this information I wont’ and this is all for FREE. NOTE: those with a bad back you can always use tiger balm once back inside or whatever you do to alleviate back aches but drinking before noon is a no-no thus not listed as an aid.

The north side does blend somewhat into the east side and this is where you will begin. Notice how quiet it is outside with the sun shining brightly allowing you to see partially uncovered poopsicles. A sense of humor will slowly occur while you see all diverse kinds of poopsicles and the hunt for the perfect poop will enter your thoughts. Wow, so much poop! Go ahead let out a big sigh and look around to make sure neighbors aren’t watching you as this should be a private relaxing time.

As you start to pick up poopsicles you will now realize some are stuck solidly to the ground with a small piece breaking off. Do not be alarmed this is totally normal and means you have to move a tad more over the EAST side of your yard. Initially you will be able to easily pick up the slightly thawed poopsicles with much ease barely leaving a trace behind with it landing into the bag on your arm quite nicely. You will also feel quite proud of yourself but don’t get over confident quite yet as you will be challenged soon. Remember I am here to help.

All of a sudden there is some poop you see that you missed on the EAST side but it seems to be stubborn. You will turn and try twisting it and still this poopsicle persists in staying on the ground. Next you find a stick and poke it realizing complete failure to obtain another poopsicle. Finally you will try to kick it and OUCH that hurt! Oh wouldn’t that be a great one to explain to the ER doctor on how you broke your toe! This is why I stated earlier to wear steel tipped or hard toed footwear. Eventually, the coffee you had earlier and the pain you just felt will enable your brain cells to think properly: move on the next poopsicle as this one isn’t worth the trouble. Keep in mind you must work quickly as it’s cold outside and if you don’t the south side poopsicles will be mushy and full of scientific wonders (to be explained shortly).

You are now on your way to becoming an intermediate pooper scooper. Believe me these are tried and truthful methods I have perfected over the past 2.5 years and kept a secret till now. So while I am baring my soulful pooper scooper ways to be kind, helpful and save you much misery and/or some poop getting on your hands, bear in mind that this is factual with a sense of humor.  Life and dogs present much poop on a daily basis thus laughing is a great stress reducer.

Back to poopsicles. Notice the missing pair of socks? NO? Oh you will once you get to the south side of yard where the real fun begins especially if it is approaching 11:20am or later. That beautiful sunshine has now allowed you to see all the colors of the rainbow and missing items in your house. Okay some you didn’t realize were missing till now. Then before you know it, your mind wanders and these poopsicle piles are of varying consistencies which are NOT due to the thawing process either.

Yes folks, there is the diverse poops that now can be coined/labeled into categories such as:

1. The Dirt Bomb Poop: a dry poop that almost blows into the wind as it consists of the dirt from your dog surfing your houseplants and somehow managed to digest more dirt than food. Don’t ask this is one of the wonders of the world not stated in books.
2. The Sandy Grainy Poop: I have NO clue for this type of poop as i do not have sand in my house or in my yard and have given up trying to solve this mystery poop. I’d rather laugh! Oh wait, if you fed your dog rice previously this might be one explanation. Additionally, upon seeing this one might get alarmed your dog has worms or some other parasite. Relax you’d see it in the other poop in your yard.
3. The Paper Snake Poop: One of my favorites! Easy to pick up and relief is felt that it isn’t a tape worm or your panties. This is all the paper napkins your dog ate when you weren’t looking. Buy some stock in bounty if you want to replace the money you spend on napkins and move on if life. Dogs eat many things, paper napkins are a delicacy they truly enjoy.
4. The Brightly Colored Almost Psychedelic Poop: Aha! The missing pieces of a beheaded duck, rubber ball, or other toys you buy for your dog well you just found out how much the like that toy!
5. The Hard Solid Poop with the Soft Center: What this means is you aren’t working fast enough and may end up with poop getting on your gloves. So come on, work a bit faster.
6. The Pudding Poop: This is where I draw the line and let nature take over as decomposition will hopefully happen by or before springtime. Walk away from this one and realize if you dog is healthy now at one time they weren’t. This is not a time for analyzation, rather leave it alone as the south side of your yard is really warming things up.
7. The WHAT THE…POOP: These are always so much fun that you really do have to stop and get a closer look praying it will not smell foul as  you really are too curious to realize you are now getting into poop too deeply. This one is where you see something unrecognizable and usually end up getting a stick to try to identify this alien type of poop. Seriously, this is puzzling you with concerned thoughts till you reach success. Ohhhhhh, there’s the other part of my panties I didn’t find when my dog was eating them the other night. Or I need to talk to my teenage son about closing his door as dirty socks are too delicious for my dogs to refuse as a after dinner snack. Possibly it could be part of the squeaker and ducks foot they dismembered recently. Whatever, you will NOT leave nor stop poking and prodding this type of poop till you figure out exactly what it is! Why? Well for starters you will keep wondering about it and discussing it with family members later who will think you’re nuts. You might even ask them to come outside to take a look and help you identify it. Lastly, you will worry for a bit and also realize you have spent way too much time on one single poop. Like I said earlier, work quickly and you can always save this type of poop for last.
8. THE PERFECT POOP: Does it exist? YES! And once you discover it you are ready to do a happy dance and almost run back inside the house to take a picture of it!
9. The Tootsie Roll Poop: refer back to #8
10. The WHITE POOP ?!?! Yes this considered by some to be one of the most gratifying and near-perfect poops. It has decomposed properly, has no odor and will literally disintegrate within a fairly short period of time. Also refer back to #8.

By now you’ve probably filled at least 2 or 3 bags up and set them aside neatly tied with double knots as well as the east and south side of your yard is much more walk worthy and worry free. No more dodging or weaving…you can walk a straight path now, congrats! Wait, the west side, hmm perhaps which can be done next week? As the north side needs some tidying up. Trudge back over only to realize the sun isn’t shining and those frozen poops can stay put! If you’re a very responsible person you will trudge back over the west side again and pick up a few more poopsicles finally thinking, “Enough of this poop! I’m done for now!” (If you’re like me that is).

I will admit I usually have More than 2 bags filled up but will not admit to exact number of bags. Why should I as it would spoil the fun and then you would know HOW responsible I really am.  If you are smart though, you will have NOT filled up any bags too full so they break open when you place them in the large kitchen bag. Besides once you place all the filled bags of poopsicles into one bag, who’s going to lift it and place it the garbage? Okay, I’ll admit this: I could care less HOW HEAVY the final bag filled with poop is! Why? Because my job is done as I can get my other half or teenage son to pick it up and put it in the garbage can. If the bag is really heavy it also gives me HOPE that other family members will realize the work I do. If they don’t then I have the satisfaction of hearing them complain how heavy the bag was and how they hated throwing it in the garbage can.

I just had a thought: I always pray the bag doesn’t rip open on garbage day with the garbage company banning me from disposing of my dogs poop again! Thus I use hefty reinforced kitchen garbage bags. Oh don’t forget to TIP the garbage man nicely during the holidays as they don’t give you any poop about what is and isn’t allowed as “garbage”.

I don’t know about you but I’ve had enough poop, don’t want to discuss anymore poop, nor am I going to take any poop (to the garbage) —It’s not Sunday, it’s Saturday! Besides my dogs need to go out for a walk now.

Remember: no matter how much poop you receive, there is always two ways of looking at it: with a sense of humor or without. It’s your choice to take poop and laugh it off. Or to walk away from it and let it build up.

Have a poop free day; enjoy life and all your dogs have to give to you!  : )

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