Very Sad and Need Advice

[CherylB]

My mom's 4 pound poodle Mia just died. She was just turning 5 and appeared totally healthy - so we are all in shock. (We picked her up the day of my wedding shower because my moms said she needed something to love now that she had an empty house). We had expected her to live a long life and are not sure how to deal with this. The only other dog we had lived over 17 years and we had her put down when she got too sick to walk.

She was actually being groomed and the groomer thinks she had a seizure. He gave her mouth to mouth and held her for an hour until my mom got from the store (He's a mobile groomer...and he is too upset to even drive home. His wife had to pick him up. Even though he's done this for many many years, this has never happened to him.) She took a few pictures because my dad is out of town...and took her to the hospital. She was not sick at all before this - but we are wondering if we have to worry about her other dog. Brandy seems fine, but she is acting very sad. She is normally extremely hyper, but she sniffed at Mia and then just sat on my mom's lap not moving for a long time. Is there anything we can do for Brandy?

Now the hard part - how to do tell the kids? My 3 nieces are coming into town this week to stay with my mom for 2 months. They are 8,10 & 12. So we don't know if we should tell them now, or wait til they get here. They don't have dogs at home, so they are always asking about our dogs. Then there are my kids. They are 2 1/2 and 3 1/2...so I'm not sure how much they will understand if I try to explain. Mom thought we'd tell them she went to the hospital or doctor. But the problem is that they have chronic health problems and have to go to the doctor and hospital a lot. I can't have them afraid of doctor/hospitals but I don't know how to explain it. She then thought to say that she doesn't live here anymore - but how do I not have my kids afraid that they might one day disappear! And whatever I tell them - do I wait until we go visit next week for the 4th, or do I tell them while we are at home? Even though we have our two dogs, my DD asks about "Mia and Brandy" everyday. How do I explain its just Brandy now???

Please help - I don't know how to do this.

[lindamarie]

How awful! This is a tough one for sure.
You know the kids better than any of us so it's hard to say what will work.
I would, personally, tell them now.
For example, the 3 nieces want to see g'ma but they're looking forward to Mia too. I think telling them when they get there will be more difficult on them.
Yours are really young. You might just tell them that Mia went to puppy heaven.
I am soooooooo sorry Cheryl! Your mom must be really upset too.
As far as Brandy..........she'll be a bit sad awhile. Would your mom consider getting another dog? I was so distraught when my Springer had to be put down last November, that I had Bogart in 6 days!!

I don't know if anything I said helps. Just know you're in my thoughts and
prayers at this very sad time.
((((((((hugs)))))))

[Tink]

Cheryl, I'm sorry for your families loss.
My kids have lost pets, grandparents, a 10 yr old cousin, and others over the years. We always made a point of being open and honest about what happened without giving them too much information. We happen to be a Christian family, so we told them that "whoever" was very sick or hurt... and God decided it would be best for them to come back to heaven where he could make and keep them healthy and happy again. We'd add that Yes, we'll miss them, but WOW, they get to see GOD! And of course they'll be there waiting for us when it's our turn to go. They've always accepted that and were only 2 and 4 when both of their grandpas died just 6 weeks apart.

We can't protect them from the pain of losing someone, but we can help them to put it in a perspective that's less frightening and devastating.
If you're not Christian, I have no clue...

HUGS

[CherylB]

Thanks for responding. Somehow I felt better just writing the post, knowing others would understand my sadness. Growing up my dog lived outside and it seemed different when she lived so long - but now that I'm a mom (and have inside dogs) I feel this a lot more than I ever thought I would.

Linda - She actually mentioned another dog already. She said she will not be a one dog household. (When we added Brandy, it really helped Mia not be lonely when they were at work). We actually talked about pros and cons of getting a new puppy while the kids are here to help housebreak and stuff...pros and cons I guess. The biggest problem is they help us out with money, and help my brother's family so she is worried she can't afford a new puppy right now.

Tink - We ARE Christians. In fact, my dad is a pastor. So everything you said is how we would approach a human death, but we are a bit unsure about a dog death. Mainly because my dad is pretty strict on theology...so I'll have to see what he thinks. He gets home from a conference in Israel tomorrow night. But I'm sure I can approach is similar anyways.

[annabelles mom]

Cheryl, I am very sorry for your families loss.

I also think it would be best to tell the kids now so they won't be expecting to see Mia when they get to Gramma's house

I believe Dogs have souls too and go to heaven, but how you tell them should fall into your beliefs.

I'd explain that sadly not all dogs have long lives and we never know how long they will be with us, and it's okay to miss them and talk about them.

If your Mom and Dad want another puppy, it might be a good time to get one when the kids are there to help train the puppy, it would be a good experience for them

[MaxandMe]

((((((((cheryl and your mom too)))))))))))) i am so sorry to hear of your mom's loss of her beloved dog. I too believe in telling small children that the dog is now peacefully happy with God.

I have a friend with similar situation, after 6 weeks of her dog mourning she went and got another dog which tremendously helped them both.
Hopefully your mom might consider another dog/puppy.
And like Mary said, the whole family could help out.

[Jac]

Cheryl, I am so very sorry about this family loss. It is, clearly, a heartbreaking event and it happened so traumatically.
I agree that whatever you tell your children should comport with your belief system, and that you should tell them earlier.
In fact, I have grandchildren and although they are not callous ... they are young... they react with initial sadness at news like this, but if we don't dwell on the loss they are soon playing as if nothing happened.
If you and the other adults keep comforting them and crying with them...well, it could just prolong the mourning and sometimes kids feel guilty when they don't mourn as long or as hard as the adults. So, I'd say to be sympathetic, clear, hopeful and honest. Keep in mind that if your children are suffering with their own health issues, they may project this situation into their own health...so being sensitive to their needs is important. I would not dwell on the loss. I'd state it, matter of fact, tell them that you will all miss the puppy very much and that Grandma might be very sad for a while, but that they can help to cheer her up by... and then tell them some things that might help. Let them feel like they are a part of the healing process for Grandma.
I am sending you a PM...
Blessings to you and your family.

[curly girly]

Cheryl,

I was so saddened by your story, It sounds like you received some great advice already and I would have to agree with them. When I was younger my Mom and Dad thought it would be better for me if I didn't know about them having one of our dogs put down. He had Hip problems and was in tremendous pain. I remember as a kid not being able to say goodbye and was mad that I missed out on that. I would tell the kids. it will be tough but I think it is the best thing.

I also think that dogs mourn as well, When you had mentioned that your other dog Brandy was having troubles and not acting normal. I can appreciate that, when my Mom was in the hospital, I was taking care of her poodle, Jock, when she passed my Dad took the poodle home. When Jock got back to the house he looked for my Mom, and she wasn't there. All he did was sit in the back corner of my Mom's closet and cry. So Dad asked me to take the dog since he was doing so well with us before. So we did. Give Brandy some time. She is hurting and missing a friend as well.

I hope all goes well, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[tykesmom]

Cheryl,
I can't give you any better advice than what you've been given already, but I wanted you to know how sorry I am for your loss. While you are worrying about the kids, though, don't forget yourself and your mom - take care of each other!

[Jac]

Sorry...I meant to address the issue of mourning dogs...here is good article about that:
http://www.petplace.com/dogs/do-dogs-mourn/page1.aspx

And I found this site for children who mourn the loss of a pet:
http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/emotions/d ... cle11.html

[blueteal]

I am so sorry for your loss...........
I too believe in telling the children the truth and I would tell them sooner than later................
kids are remarkable in how to deal with situations
when they are told the truth.

[DebBrown]

So sorry for you loss. It sounds like you are all in a bit of shock right now.

As far as telling the kids, tell them the truth and tell the now. As hard as it is on you mom, it will be very hard to see the shock and disappointment on the children's faces when they arrive. It's better that they come to terms with the loss before coming.

Deb

Cheryl, How very sad. I'm sorry for your loss. Here is a good website explaining how children perceive death. It looks like your two children will probably breeze right along, your nieces may need more support:

http://www.advice-on-pet-care-and-pet-p ... a-pet.html
Here is an excerpt:

When dealing with children and the death of a pet, it is essential to know how children percieve death.

Children at different ages see life and death differently. For extremely young children (under the age of five), death is very impersonal, and usually seems temporary. Your toddler may ask you when your lost pet is coming back.

Preschoolers and young school-age children will need explanations and answers to be very short and very simple. Using concrete examples may help: when dogs die, they do not bark, eat, run, or play any more.


Between the ages of five and nine, a child begins to realize that death is final and that everything that lives will eventually die. However, death is still very impersonal -- they do not generally think about their own death. This is the age where children will personify death -- as a skeleton, for example. Your child may have nightmares after talking or thinking about death, so do be prepared for this - it is perfectly normal - nothing that a cuddle and a warm glass of milk won't solve.

As a child grows into their early teens, they begin to fully realize that death is final and irreversible, and that they too will die. Teenagers may start to look for some kind of meaning or purpose in life. Pre-teens and teenagers may also confront death by taking senseless risks, trying to find some kind of control over mortality. Teenagers may withdraw from the situation - and what you think is a non-caring attitude, could actually be your teen's only way of knowing how to survive the barrage of emotions he is now facing.


When talking to children about the death of a pet (or even a person), you need to be aware of three things: information, understanding, and comfort...

[doodleheaven]

First I am so sorry about your sudden loss...a very sad story.

My golden/lab died a year ago. We had to put her down after 12 1/2 years. We took my 5 and 7 year old boys with us to the vet. Initially we let them stay in the playroom while we went in with my dog to put her down. The kids came knocking on the door and I panicked. The vet told me to let them in and let them see she is peaceful and going to heaven. She told us they have to see that this is a reality and they will be ok with it. They were devastated as I was (especially the 7 year old), but by the next day they were back to themselves playing and telling their neighbors that their dog went to doggie heaven. So in the end I think the honesty was good.

I also was a pediatric oncology nurse. Many parents understandably sheltered their kids from as much information about their disease as they could. We would try to counsel them not to do this and the reason why is because children are very smart. If you talk around the truth they sense that something is up and become scared and feel isolated. The truth, in simple emplanations that are appropriate for their age, is best and helps them cope much better.

Good luck with this - I know it's hard to figure out what the right thing to do is. The advice so far has been openess and honesty and I think that is the right way to go.

[MaxandMe]

Linda...good article!