i feel like a complete failure..puppy blues

[louie's mom]

i'm so sorry to keep posting these ridiculous posts...but i have not had a dog in 21 years, and i'm feeling so overwhelmed and terrible.

louie is 10.5 weeks. I go through ups and downs, doubts about bringing him into the family, and don't know what to do.

my husband has no part in louie's caregiving, but the occasional game of fetch. i live in the guest room with louie so my husband can sleep.
my 10 year old LOVES louie, but can only do so much.
my 12 year old begged for a dog, but now shows very little interest.

i have become the primary care giver, and he's so needy. he was sleeping great for the past 3 weeks, and now this evening, he was barking in his crate! i wonder, "what happened today to make him switch like this?"
i'm constantly wondering if i'm doing something wrong or right.

i don't sleep with my husband in our room. i'm constantly barking at the kids to help...and ALWAYS wondering if i did the right thing getting a puppy. i feel like such a failure.

please help if you've felt this way. i'm in such need of help from those who understand what I'm feeling now.
thank you.

[becka]

It's not ridiculous at all. Having a puppy can be very stressful and can drain so much of your energy. Your puppy will not always be this demanding, but it's important to get into a schedule and stick to it--both for your sake and the puppy's. You are not a failure--you're a new puppy mom. Puppy behavior changes from week to week. There are some good books out there that can help prepare you. Try My Smart Puppy by Brian Kilcommons and Sarah Wilson.

It sounds like things are pretty tense in your home right now, and undoubtedly your puppy is going to pick up on that--the danger is that it can create an unconfident, reactive dog. I think that if at all possible you need to sit down with your family and discuss a realistic schedule in which everyone takes some responsibility for the puppy's care. No matter whose idea it was to bring him into the home, he's part of the family now, and everyone needs to have some part in that. Your kids are old enough to take part in obedience training--I think it would help a lot if you could find an obedience school where you could all take the puppy to class. The more everyone is invested in his success, the better his chances are of succeeding.

Good luck, and please don't hesitate to keep posting--sometimes just venting is enough to make things seem a little brighter.

[louie's mom]

thank you becca. i thought i would feel better after a good night sleep...which i didn't get....but for some reason, the feelings just loom over me.
i can't believe how horrible i feel about feeling horrible! does that make sense?

i feel like a spoiled brat, not being able to handle a puppy. i feel like i should be ashamed of myself. it's really very difficult to think that i can't get past these blues and enjoy the process.

i understand this is a "normal" feeling...but for some reason, when you're in "it", it doesn't feel so normal. you feel helpless, hopeless, and embarrassed.

my husband says, "it's just a dog. put it in perspective." he's right, but i feel ever worse thinking that i can't put it in perspective.

thank you again for reaching out.

[JenSully]

I have to say that I often feel the same way with our 13 week old. My husband is very helpful and the girls are involved (at ages 5 and , but I still feel overwhelmed with taking care of the puppy. My husband is often talking me down from being so stressed, but when you're in puppyhood, it seems that things will take forever to get better. Right now I'm stressing about getting her potty trained. I don't know what's normal and what to expect and how long this will take and when will she "get it". It's all so daunting. I feel for you because I know where you are.

[Mel]

i could have written your post back in March....in fact search my posts and you will see, i know EXACTLY how you feel !!!

we researched for months before getting Spike...i have allergies so we had to get a non-shedding dog. We read everything about puppies, we watched everything about dogs, we bought everything in preparation.....then when he came here i felt totally lost and overwhelmed. I too had a dog when i was a child.....didn't do any of the 'caring part' i just played and loved him so this was a massive shock to me !

I cried most days for around 2 weeks, it was like postnatal depression ! i have 2 young children and i felt terrible for building them up with the promise of a dog and the whole preparation...the choosing of a name, toys, etc when all i could think about was how to get out of this commitment. He was a normal lovely puppy but all i saw was work, work, work, no sleep, mess, and stress.

It got easier. I stopped resenting him for taking up all of my time, and we bonded. I had always taken good care of him but the difference is i WANT to now. I still have those days when i feel overwhelmed especially because he has some stomach issues and i am a control freak which i have had to let go a bit (a dog is good therapy ).

All i can say is time helps and this forum saved my life ! you can post everyday, all day if it helps you, you can pm me anytime and i will help you get through it, Daisysmom helped me so much ...she had been through it too.

I tell everyone that having a puppy here has been harder than either of my two children, i knew what i was doing with kids, i had no idea with a puppy. BUT the good news is this phase is short and goes by very fast. They change quickly, new challenges come up (chewing etc) but you will be able to handle it all a lot better...time really helps. Also SLEEP !! if i don't get enough sleep everything is so much worse for me My husband and I take turns now if Spike is up during the night with tummy issues....but i did most of the caring early on. You need a break from this, could your husband take over at weekends ? it is exhausting and not really fair to put it all on your shoulders....

keep posting if it helps you and just know that most of us here have been through what you are feeling, i too felt embarrassed that i couldn't 'cope' but it is a lot of work and you are doing the best you can ! take one day at a time

[lindamarie]

Our members have shared some good and understanding stories that should help you. I don't want to repeat things.....but.....having a puppy is not easy at all!
Your husband and kids see that now and that leaves YOU. believe it or not, I honestly feel that when Louie gets through this stage, they'll jump in and THINK they helped and made him a good dog.

Kids always want pups, but they don't want the work and training that goes into it.......typical kids.
Husbands.....well....sometimes they do & sometimes they don't. I'm sure your husband feels he's doing a great job just playing fetch!

Don't give up! It's stressful and time consuming, but when this pup grows up, you.....especially you......will be so HAPPY! They are the best dogs in the world, IMO. I seriously don't know what I would do without Bogart. And, he was a chore as a pup! Plus, my dad was in the hospital in critical condition right after I got Bogart.
That left only my husband at home to give him time and training. UGH! He did okay??? But, had I been home, this dog never would have had an accident in the house. My dogs always were potty trained within a week, so when hubbster told me one night that Bogart peed on the rug under the dining room table, I wanted to choke him!
My husbands "kids" and my son are grown and gone.....so we were on our own......or shall I say I was on MY own? Spending hours at the hospital in the middle of the winter......coming home exhausted and worried...was not easy.

Don't feel bad and don't be ashamed. We've been there!

[louie's mom]

One of the biggest problems is not knowing what to do. as many books, forums, web-pages i read...i still don't know what to do next.

i don't leave louie much...if ever. we did leave this weekend for a quick trip, and left him with a neighbor girl. he was a completely different puppy when we returned. we don't think she played with him at all, and he's been unruly since. OR, it's just a new stage. See, I don't know.

but when he wakes up, and i feed him, and walk him and play with him for a while...then what do i do? can i go for my morning run? can i shower, clean up around the house? I would love to do any of these or ALL of these...as that is what i used to do. Now i feel guilty leaving him, especially when he is jumping/whining in his kennel. he didn't whine before we left on our trip. was leaving him with the sitter the BIG mistake that has changed him forever?

it's all so unknown to me, that i can get a grasp as to what i need/can/should do.
he's been up now since 6:30 this morning (it's almost 10:30) and he still hasn't napped. last week he would sleep 2 hours after getting up.

any suggestions on how to get him in a routine so that I can still enjoy the things i have to do, while letting him have some alone time.

I feel like i'm sinking into this hole, and can't get out.
I'm pretty pathetic.

[jodysh]

Shoot I'm there now too. Some days are great and some days not so much lol. I've been really tired since July 9!! Is it bad that I'm looking forward to taking him to the vet and dropping him off to be neutered so I can come home and SLEEP???? Or that I can't wait until he's old enough to take to day care maybe a couple days a week so I can have time to do what I want to do without worrying about him home alone and feeling guilty about leaving him in his crate?

*sigh*

The thing is I've had dogs all through my life so I know puppies are a LOT of work. But I live alone now so there's no other support here. It's extra hard! But Malcolm is a pretty good boy over all so. I know everything will be ok Even if he does flip the script every couple weeks on his behaviors.

[deepnite10]

right now at 10 wks..life is still about *ME*..he ll grow out of soon and will look to making you happy..

be patient cuz these stages will come and be gone the next day..it s hard to say..but, he might just be going thru a fright stage now..as he s suddenly started barking in his crate..

one way to understand your dog is to go thru some obdience class s..
you ll get to know him and him you much better..and you ll learn to convey to him what you want..and him, how to make you happy..

[browndog]

My little Katey is now 7 months old and I love her so incredibly much. I must tell you though, the first 2 months we had her, I questioned all the time whether we had made the right decision. She was 8 weeks old when we brought her home and I had just started a new job that same week! We thought we were getting the calmest pup of the litter....turns out we were wrong BIG TIME! Within two days she had turned into a wild child! She would bite me all the time and my arms were covered in scratches and bruises. I had to wear long sleeves to cover up in public. She would go absolutely nuts and run at me and jump at my face and nothing would settle her down. Nothing. She would bite her leash and look straight at me and challenge me and then bark and lunge and go crazy. I tried everything. I would pin her on her side, ignore her, scruff shake, say no, leave the room, time-out in crate...you name it. Then after an exhausting day of managing her, she would cry every few hours throughout the night and I would have to keep waking to take her out. It was a bit of a nightmare. I remember one night just sitting down and crying and thinking I was a failure. Afterall it was just a puppy, I should be able to manage this. After attending the first few puppy classes at age 10 weeks, I immediately knew there was something a little different about our pup compared to the others. She would whine and go frantic trying to get to the other puppies. All she wanted to do was play and she would run straight across the room at full speed and jump on top of all the puppies and roughhouse. The trainer even put her in a timeout in the cloakroom a couple times. None of the other pups were like her....except one! (her sister) Same thing with her. We didn't know the parents of her sister but their pup was just as spastic and crazy. So anyway what I am trying to say is that I don't know if it was her breeding or what, but she was nuts! (and still is at times) But, we have now had her for 5 months now and things have gotten soooooooo much better. There is light at the end of the tunnel. She is still an overexcitable puppy and very active, but we have learned how to manage her better. In time you will recognize your puppy's patterns and be able to work with it instead of against it. We are still learning but here are some things that I wish someone would have told me:
1) Stick to a routine. (feeding, sleeping, walking, everything)
2) Being consistent will pay off. Just pick one technique (training) and stick with it. It will take many many repetitions but if you are consistent EACH AND EVERYTIME within a few weeks he will stop biting.
3) cover the crate with a sheet during the day when you put him in. It calms them. Put a clock radio on top of the crate playing soft music. The whining will stop...may take 15 minutes but it will.
4) Check the protein level in your food. Puppies need higher amounts, but some foods are really really high (as in over 40%) and this will make your puppy super hyperactive. Try switching up his food.
5) Dog daycare can be a lifesaver! It can give you a break and your pup will be nice and tried when they come home. We send her there for the day anytime we are having guests over in the evening so she is tired out.
6) Kongs!
It will get better. Katey was spayed at 6 months and she has been calmer since then. (took the edge off)

[louie's mom]

the part about all of this that is so difficult is how much less i will be able to be with my children.
i work one day a week, and volunteer quite a bit at my kid's schools. i take them to practices, lessons, help them with their homework, participate at all the field trips, etc....
now with the puppy, ALL of my energy and time go to him. my 12 year old son was crying because "our lives are so different now". he wants it back to how it used to be.
i think we waited to long to get a puppy. now that everyone's lives are so busy, there isn't much time for one. everyone gets resentful about who has to do what with him, and why we can't do things because of him.
i don't want this puppy to be resented or neglected. i don't want to leave him at home all of the time. however, i only have a few years left with my kids WANTING me to be around them at school etc... and i don't want to miss out.
the guilt i have about not participating in their activities is too much. the guilt about leaving louie is too much.
i sometimes wish i were one of those parents that were glad their kids were going back to school....but i'm not. i'm the one that is always their for them, rain or shine, day or night. now the puppy needs me rain or shine, day or night.
i know it will get easier with the puppy, but that doesn't mean i will want to leave it alone for hours when he is 1 year old. i won't want to put him in a kennel while we are gone all afternoon/night at tennis matches, ball games, dinner and school functions. i don't want to worry about him being alone all of the time. it breaks my heart.

[JenSully]

I'm a stay at home mom as well. We've started practices, etc and I've started taking Kai to my daughter's soccer practice and socializing her with the kids, parents, etc. and taking her for a walk during practice.

Also, you have to remember his is dog and it's ok to put him in his kennel to go out for a few hours in the evening to go to all those activities. He needs to get used to being in his kennel and one day he will love his little den.

I know it's hard, but because I'm home during the day, I've had to schedule a couple hours away from home to give Kai some time in her crate. It's important.

Can you get her out with another dog for some play time? Get some energy out so she'll be tired? Maybe check into doggie day care (I think i"m going to look into that) for some supervised activity for him.

[Julie B.]

Our puppy is 4 months old today. Yes, she has been pretty crazy at times. I had bruises all down the backs of my legs where she'd nip at me. She's torn a few of my shirts as well as my 8 and 11 yr. old's. Having her has been a big committment but I can't say that it's changed our lives; rather, she has integrated into ours. We do put her in her crate (my daughter sometimes just puts her in if she gets too crazy and I'm busy with something) but she doesn't seem to mind. We do it to keep her safe. Things will smooth out- don't change your whole life for the dog (don't get me wrong- I absolutely love and spoil my little baby!! ) you and your family will resent him. Dogs are much more adaptable than we are! You are his pack and he will follow your lead.

[Ace's Place]

Hello Louie's Mom:

I think what you may need to consider based on your last post concerning having lots of family activities and not being home for many hours at a clip .... is a dogwalker. Have you looked in to one? The dogwalker will obviously not be a replacement for the family training and spending the time that louie needs, particularly in the early stages, but a good dogwalker will know how to develop a relationship with your puppy, work with you to continue the training techniques you have started, and also give your dog an energy-draining 30 minute walk as well as potty break. Ace's dogwalker started at 12 weeks after we had taken two weeks off from work to spend time with him upon his coming "home" with us. She's terrific and they have a really good bond since she has been with him since he was a baby....and she fills in for the midday walk we want him to have when we are at work. Hope that helps! Otherwise, honestly, your family needs to step up and help you. However if you are saying no one else is interested in Louie, then that is a totally different issue ...

[lindamarie]

I'm sorry, but I have to take a few seconds off here to LAUGH OUT LOUD at browndog.....Katey's "mom".
You should be a writer! You described the horrors of puppyhood to a tee!!
Actually, I saw my BOGART in your story and it seriously cracked me up remembering things like those puppy classes, and the trainers giving us the evil eye......like as if Bogart was some sort of demon!

Ok....laughing over......that description provided by browndog WAS my Bogart as well. Now? He is 3. He is a Service Dog, Therapy dog and holds FOUR jobs.
He has been doing 2 jobs since he was slightly over a year old.
I am NOT bragging.......well maybe I am......but nonetheless, new puppy owners of ANY breed or mutt or whatever MUST accept the fact that puppies want to be puppies. Seriously! If they were lethargic and disinterested, there would be something wrong with them!!

Every single one of us has had to know the job and commitment we were taking on when we chose to get a puppy.
This is why people should never just GIVE a puppy to someone. That someone may not have gone through a thought process of the responsibilities and time it takes. It's also why getting a puppy for Christmas is not a good idea either because it's such an active time of year and puppies can be a burden over a Holiday time.

I am listening to each of you and feeling your guilt, frustration and all the emotional factors that go along with having a puppy.
NOW......I never advise people to give up. I know of people who did, and than saw that "demonic" puppy a few months later with the new owner and CRIED!!! Why? Because the pup had grown and was through with all of these horrible stages. "Why did I give up that sweet, adorable puppy?"
BUT....there comes a time when you know you are falling apart and quite frankly, you become part of the problem with the pup.
They sense your tension, frustration AND your vulnerability! And, they take advantage of that, believe it or not!
That little, baby puppy has become the ALPHA! They need obedience training, the dogwalker sounds great.....the dog NEEDS to cry it out in the crate.....needs to learn to be alone.......and.......needs to give you some time.
They are puppies, so NO, not right now but LATER, you cannot leave them for very long because of potty issues. GO FOR YOUR RUN! GO TO THE STORE! QUIT PROJECTING "HUMAN" ONTO AN ANIMAL! No, you wouldn't do that with a baby....but like some said above......this is a DOG!!
It's sometimes hard for me to see Bogart as a dog.......but he IS! And like wolves, they NEED to be treated like the wolf.......of course we domesticate them love them etc, but we all have to get our priorities straight.
These pups have the ability to become miracle dogs......Bogart brings me such JOY as he does to people in hospitals, children with autism, runaways, recovering drug addicts. MY LORD! He wasn't any different as a puppy than any of you describe!
SO......although with all my heart I do NOT believe in this.....but if you simply cannot wait a few months......then take the pup back to the breeder. I am POSITIVE you would regret it if you were to see the pup a few months from now......but if this is becoming SO heavy of a burden, take the pup back. I know I sound harsh, but the pup doesn't deserve this either.

That's my story.....and I'm stickin' to it. I did. And, I am sooooo glad that I went through the no sleep, strange hours, bitten clothes, puppy scratches and on and on. I'd do it again for the wonderful Bogart I have now.